Friday, February 15, 2008

because I have no where else to put them

heres some things I'm doing for some contest were I could win some moneys

Thursday, November 01, 2007

A humble review of Resident Evil Extinction

I consider myself a reasonable man. When I go out to nice restaurant and the food isn't quite as delicious as I was expecting, or the service was slow, I forgive that because I know that really, they don't want to be there as much as I don't want to be there when I'm working. When I'm driving and someone cuts me off, I may squint an eye but I let it go because I know if they're in front of me, there's a lot less of a chance that they'll hit me. However there are exceptions to every rule imaginable. Look at the platypus. And my exception is movies based on my favourite topics. Like ohh...let's say...Resident Evil movies. That's right, Paul Anderson, this is about you. A couple of hours ago I watched the newest installment in the series of shear bullshit that is the resident evil movies and I stand before you now saying with clear conscience that my past critiscism of that worthless excuse for a hollywood mogle Paul WS Anderson has been if anything far too merciful.

I'd warn of spoilers but if you've ever spoken to me about what I think this movie is going to be about before it hit theatres, you already know the storyline. I was bang on. But nonetheless, here be spoilers. OoooOOooooOOooh. oh btw happy hallowe'en, before I forget.

From day one of the resident evil project we have seen Paul Anderson show a complete disregard for anything resembling resident evil-nay-anything resembling a storyline, in so far as to say a storyline put together by a drunk who had written most of it in a foreign space language he made up that was inspired by the texture of his own fecal matter would have made a better screenplay- Neglecting characters, entire plotlines, simple logic, inserting his own plotlines and rediculous rhetoric and basically making a mochery of everything Shinji Mikami has created. Insulting, even, to the intelligence of its viewers- even those not versed in RE lore. Now you may be saying "BUT CHRIS It's just a movie, movie versions usually suck!!!11"

I have said it before and I will say it again, the first resident evil movie wouldnt have been a big deal if it was just a turd trying to be resident evil then a turd that was activly trying to pass itself off as resident evil. Under any other name, that movie might have been ok in my book and we wouldn't be where we are now.
When one stands before a pile of vomit, one has two choices. One is to either continue to vomit and not turn back, or one can try and give the pile of puke a nice pretty dress and say 'see I'm being true to the fans.' I'm talking of course about resident evil apocolypse. Somehow, beyond the reasoning of time and space itself. Beyond God and all that exists in his wonderful creation, Paul found a way to make a film that actually managed to outdue the shittiness of the first movie in the most ironic way possible: By making it more resident evil. WHAT?? Well let me explain: In the first movie, if a few nouns had been changed it would have been a shitty movie but not a shitty resident evil movie. When Paul added in characters canon to resident evil as well as events true to resident evil in the second movie, he was.. urrghh
Fluffy bunny lived in a forest, one day fluffy bunny decided to make a movie about the legend of rock tree hill. so fluffy bunny went over to rock tree hill and took a big crap all over it. The people who enjoyed the legend were horrified because fluffy bunny had ruined everything rock tree hill stood for. but they gave fluffy bunny another chance. So fluffy bunny, instead of wiping all of his crap off rock tree hill and simply starting again, decided to take paper cut outs of the key parts of the written legend of rock tree hill and stuck them into the crap. dooming them forever. and then proceeded to have sex with his ex wife Mill Bunny all over the pile of shit

thats what I meant.
the moral of the story is: Who the hell gave fluffy bunny a career in the first place?

And now, without further ado, Resident Evil Extinction. Observed with the lowest expectation I've had since Tomb Raider 2- the only movie in my history I've physically walked out from because it was so awful.

The story begins some undeterminable amount of time from apocolypse. The world is now completely dead from the t-virus outbreak and zombies are the largest population on earth. What few survivers there are exist in small nomadic caravans who have to travel to survive. contunually evading legions of the undead ghouls. Alice has somehow managed to distance herself from everyone around her, fearing that her newfound powers (she seems to develope a new kind of power every fifteen fucking minutes every film) would harm the other survivers so instead of doing the normal noble thing which would be killing herself so that she would NEVER hurt her own friends (honest to god I believe that's what the noble hero who does more harm then good normally does- especially when it may mean the difference between life and the extinction of humanity) and so instead of being with them she..I can only assume travels from town to town and pisses on the ashes. I don't know. What makes even more sense is that she does actively seek out more survivors-even though she's trying to distance herself from anyone who's alive so that she won't harm them but them goes out and looks for survivors....Seems airtight to me lets move on. After another few scenes of her wandering around in the dark, slowly walking up to someone who';s sitting alone in a chair facing away from them (Paul you did this same thing no less than TWICE in apocolypse, how about something a smidge fresher, eh? Oh wait nevermind I forgot who I was talking to) getting into another REDICULOUS martial arts fight with a bunch of zombie dogs (once again some sort of originality would be nice. Fuck I forgot already, your originality sucks moose balls too) and generally ebing a dumbass, Alice does that famous "sorry stevie" scene and uses a crossbow which we'll never see again for reasons completely unknown. The plot holes are stacking!

MEANWHILST!! on another part of the wonderful US of A, the caravan of relevent characters is making its way across America. In a refreshing change of pace paul anderson actually has these characters able to fend for themselves and not be scenery chewing planks of wood like someone else in this film...y'know...just talking about her..y'know the one I mean...wink wink... And for the first time we see Claire Redfield! Hurray for relevance...and...where's Jill? Hmm.. I guess she died at some point or..maybe went on to bigger things on anotehr umbrella stronghold or... maybe was so shamed of her role next to mila jovovovovovovovich in REA that upon being asked to reprise the role of Jill in REE she screamed "no" until her head exploded. I guess we'll never know. Next to Claire we have several kill-offable characters. A whole whack of children because apparently they're the future or something, some blonde chick named K-Mart (interesting side note: K-Mart actually states that after the zombigeddon she cast off her old name, probably cindy or something, and decided to go with a fresh start. Naturally K-Mart was the best possible choice. What;s the matter? some other kid take Wal-Mart? why don't you ask Futureshop if you can trade? Can I borrow $3.50 from IHOP? gimme a fucking break.) a black girl who isn't Michelle Rodriguez so I can only approve, Good ol Carlos played by that badass dude from the Mummy, some blonde guy, some cowboy guy, and of course our pal, LJ. Oh..oh wait.. LJ just got bitten by a zombie. Well without a while.. we still have a few characters who are neither Mila Jovovovvolvovich nor Michelle Rodriguez so I count us in the green for now :D (I should stop making fun of michelle rodriguez, I actually kind of like her. Well..other then she's a horrible actress. But at least she wasn't trying to be something she's not- she's consistent- which is football fields and warehouses more then what I can say about Mila) This ragtag bunch of scooby doo-gooders wander around aimlessly for a little while until they decide to set up camp in the lot of abandoned buildings A B and C. Incidently they don't actually check the buildings for undead until AFTER they set up camp and built the parameter cameras (some pieces of technology even I will admit were a nice touch. Where did they get them in a post Apocolypto world? Why from digital remote cameras and weapons emporium. The only place open from worlds end till valhalla. damn vikings) and this lack of checking brings out pop-up scare number 34289354uy9235702870 thus far. You really...really..can see them coming. But wait! Its just...a lamp?.. something made the lamp jump right in front of claire's face? but apparently in the world of Paul Anderson, lamps do this all the time and Claire Redfield (or how I choose to believe she's actually labelled in the script: No nonsense toughgirl number 23-A*) is non the least phased. Later the caravan is attacked by some crows. Oh noooo! These crows were actually pretty strong and had the gang on the ropes for a good little while, well...until Alice arrived that is! Before she appeared I actually said "Good thing Mila's coming to save the day by single handedly killing every single crow!" My jaw dropped when I was right. Once because she showed up the nick of time-not nick enough to save about 10 people- which no one seems to comment on- but nick enough and yes, SINGLE FUCKING HANDEDLY KILLS EVERY CROW! Using her, get this, psychic energy to move a giant flamethrower attached to a bus to torch every single crow around.

If I may once again interject once again I'd like to make a brief review on Alice's ever growing list of powers. First she had nothing but golf peg nipples I assume she used as daggers. Then she had the crazy martial arts, then she could run up walls and appear behind snipers without them knowing- for reasons beyond any explanation because how the hell did she possibly know that guy was there, to making guys eyes bleed by looking at them- THROUGH A FUCKING SECURITY CAMERA to using force hover on some rocks while she slept to blatently ripping off The Invisible woman's force field powers (which if I may say were given to her because before that she could only. ONLY. turn invisible. some sexual equality thing I guess. Side effects include being a bitch- but thats another post for another time) Alice has absolutely no weaknesses and defeats every single one of her foes with incredible ease whether they dog, nem, or guy with fingers most men only dream of. The way Paul Anderson has created Alice, one could very well say, and I am about to, that watching alice fight is like watching superman beat the crap out of a kitten. There is no struggle, not even a point of suspence. She comes back with some stupid would-be catchphrase and, I will glibly interpret, DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCE defeats her foe. And I will say, though superman v kitten is an interesting idea, like batman versus michael jackson***, it gets a small bit stale and a half seconds**. And Paul's got 3 'films' under his belt.

then some stuff happens. They travel a little more, decide to go to alaska. Yeah, they decide that NOW. For some reason the following sequence happens:

Claire: We can go to alaska, it's not much but it's hope. Or we can stand around with our thumbs up our asses. Who's in for alaska?

*group raises hands*

Claire: Alaska it is

*Crowd hugs and cheers for some reason* Are they excited claire let them choose something? Were they really hoping this time Claire actually meant it when she asked their opinion? Was there a tv on behind Claire and the audience just witnessed the leafs winning the cup? (or broncos winning the superbowl for my yanky readers) basically a moment of 'oh my god it finally happened!' why would they cheer? she just told them about it now and she didn't guarentee jack shit. nothing makes sense. Speaking of not making sense, you probably saw the trailer of the gang riding through Las Vegas. Well they do that next and heres why:

They're near Salt Lake City. They want to go to Alaska. Las Vegas is a natural stop, naturally, of course. I don't know if Paul's ever seen it, they have this new thing called GEOGRAPHY. Might help with that whole..y'know logic thing.

Actually to be fair the whole planet is supposedly covered in desert so they may have been near Las Vegas at the time. Or in Fucking Japan. who knows? Pretty convenient setting device though.

They get to las vegas and it's..covered in sand. lots and lots of sand. "desert must have taken it back." Yeah that's definitly what happened. Death valley is that kind of desert after all. Now I'm no meteorologist or weather pattern physisist or whatever it is that the profession would be, but I doubt that the death valley desert would be able to swallow Las Vegas. 1 year two years, three, a thousand. I very much doubt it. But they have to be there to get gas which for some reason wouldn't have been swallowed by the sand as well. Go get em tigers. They need a lookout, cowboy guy goes up the eiffel tower, he dies. blonde kid does some shit and dies. LJ finally turns and dies, not before biting Carlos. thats right. Actually..let's do a head count at the end of that: Claire, Target, Alice and a wounded Carlos... oh and the school bus full of kids which suffered no casualties at all. somehow. Oh uh this happened because the evil Umbrella corporation somehow knew they were going to be in that exact spot and were able to unload a crate of they're new Dawn of the Dead (2004) style zombies in there without them seeing.. a helicopter or a truck or soemthing. and then all that shit went down. Tehy were doing alright until the company shut down Alice in a method that reeks so strongly of "WHY THE FUCK DIDN"T YOU DO THAT BEFORE!!!! RANT RANT RANT" that to even get into my feeling about that plot device would make me pop at least 4 blood vessels 2 of which are in my eyes. Apparently they use sattalites and a little camera implanted in her shoulder that, like many many many things, is completely unexplained.**** Right in the nick of time again, but not nick enough to save..welll..just about anybody, Alice wakes up from her drug dream where she was fortunate enough not to be torn apart by super zombies- despite being shut down in the middle of a battle with a bunch of them- and slaughters the rest with ease. and then heads on over to the tent where the baddies are and kills a whole bunch of them. how she knew they were there? who the fuck knows. Y'know, Paul Anderson uses Alice to solve problems the same way Japanese anime writers solve loose ends in plots. Where ANY***** inescapable doom can be solved by using one of Alice's many many powers, the japanese choose to solve any loose storylines by simply killing off everyone in the series in one fell swoop. Creative? perhaps the first time. Lazy? You bet your ass! Looking at you Paul!! God I hate you.

So now Carlos is bit, nearly everyone's dead. Somehow Alice knows that if they go to the Umbrella underground base located pissing distance away, they might be able to find a cure. Claire and the school bus kids all manage to fit into ONE HELICOPTER and leave for parts unknown. Alice and Carlos head to the base to find a cure. Carlos dies on the way in but Alice, never one to back down from anything: no matter how utterly pointless it may seem after the fact, presses on inside. (I'd have said fuck it and moved on) she goes into the lab and finds some crash course area constructed to look identical to the mansion from movie one, where the horror began in many many many many many many many ways, paul, and also finds a tyrant! Whoopy! A dracula! A frankenstein! A fucking something, that's supposed to fucking be, in the fucking place its supposed to fucking be****** Naturally Alice defeats it with ease. But not before finding out that..oh my god..they've been cloning Alices so that they could find out what would effectively kill her. And there are hundreds of Alice clones. This reminds me of that time I said that paul, if he could, would have Mila Jovovoviffylube play every single character. Well. How about that. Now I have conrete proof that have a movie where the only character is Alice is exactly what he plans to do. Did it leave room for anotehr sequel you ask? You already know the answer. Paul Anderson is going to continually shit out RE sequels until they're no longer profitable. I'm usually the first to speak out against remakes, but in this franchise's instance. I'm counting down the days. C'mon Romero, we can still bring your vision back!

And that, is how I felt about Extinction.

BONUS: Picture from one of my favourite scenes in any movie =)

As there are clones you get to watch a couple of them die. I radically approve and encourage the continued scenes of Mila Jovovich getting killed. Nothing personal mila.

*Where 23 is the number of girl and A-z is the variable of which NNTG is actually tolerable onscreen. 'A' being feature length and 'Z' being 3 and a half seconds, or Michelle Rodriguez (*twitch* damnit i did it again)
**Length of time taken for me to get tired of seeing Michelle Rodrigues
***Or as I call him, "The Real Joker"
****Lucas used this kind of unexplained technology a lot in that film Wars. The difference is that when Lucas did it, it was noticeable, but not so in your face and insulting that you had no choice but to question it's origin.
*****Not enough bold and italics and emphasis in the world
******Fuck off Paul anderson

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

They want me to go to rehab I say no no no

Man what os with the really wierd ass songs on the radio lately. In the title of this post is one of the only lyrics from some wierd song about some chick who doesn't want to go to rehab despite everyone she knows alledgedly wanting her to. It's odd, she sounds like a heavyset black woman from the 30s but apparently she' not pink. Like we needed another one of her anyways.

Jesus H waffles! On comedy network now they have segments, full commercials, of parts of some new web show. 'Owl and the man' or something like that. Now the original commercial for it was the 'man' (again alledgedly) ranting about how he wanted them (CN) to make a show about an owl and a man, well apparently they went ahead and did it. fortunately it's on the web exclusively. Unfortunately they have these 2 minute commercials showing the show in all it's fat guy singing poorly glorly-er glory. I mean seriously "Owwwwwwwwl and a maaaaaaaaaan it's about an owwwwwwwwwwllll and a maaaaaaaaann... you caaaaaaaaaan't sleeeeeeeeeeep and I can't siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" URgggh! thank god he's not on my radio in the morning.

Reminds me of this time I woke up to steven tyler singing one song... I forget what it's called but it's the one that goes "crrrrrrrrryyyyyyying when I met you now I'm dddddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyinnnnnn to forget you". A million decibles at 6 in the morning. yeah, thats an instant headache. and it lasts.

ever notice how much maroon 5 sucks?

Man I found out recently that not only is tony jay awesome, a featured voice in a fantastic game "the bard's tale" (ps2/Xbox/pc), the voice of mutherfucking megabyte in reboot, but he's also the driving reason behind why Reboot will never have anymore new episodes (barring a remake) He's dead! recently. I don't mean like..he's been dead for a while and acting from beyond the grave, which pirates and lumberjacks and emperors alike would have deemed as awesome.
Cary Elwes is also the main character in bards tale. Now that is soemthing else. especially sicne when he dies he sometimes will say "Inconcievable" before croaking. Fans of Princess Bride unite!

I've gotten back into watching strangers with candy, if you've never seen it I very highly recommend it.


10. Amy sedaris/ Paul Dinello/ Greg Hollimon

9. Stephen Colbert

8.Stephen Colbert

7.Stephen Colbert

6.Stephen Colbert

5.Stephen Colbert

4.Stephen Colbert

3.Stephen Colbert

2.Stephen Colbert

1. I'll hurt you.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I did it!!

*Insert classic picture of Stephen Colbert here because I really couldn't find that one*

Just a small alert to say that I now have another job. My old job can eat me. Not to name names. let's just call them... HBC Kellers. No too obvious, how about CBC Zellers. Ok. Whoopie!

yeah..that's all I got

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Wow..didn't think it had been THAT long..

(Librarians are hiding something)

Holy shit it's almost the end of march already!

I actually wouldn't be updating now except something caught my eye whilst watching the Colbert Report tonight on comedy network. Particularly awe-stricken to me was the interview where Stephen Colbert was caught in a heated debate with John Perry Barlow, Electronic Frontier Foundation's Essentially this man is part of the company EFF which is countersuing Viacom (Colbert Report's parent/host company) who is suing Youtube for not taking down those wonderful clips of daily show and colbert report we all know and love.

Viacom wants all their videos pulled because it is content that belongs to Viacom that is being distributed-whether you like it or not-illegally. EFF is in turn suing Viacom for breaching some form of the first ammendment on the internet. Personally, I'm guessing it's because the internet is so massive that it shouldn't be, essentially, privatized and should remain a completely open air for ideas.

Interestingly enough I actually have to side with the EFF on this one. And I hate to say that because of this:

1.EFF sues Viacom
2.Viacom goes out of business
3.Goodbye Daily Show and Colbert Report

But despite the potential loss of my heroes of television, here's why I side with EFF:

Viacom has no solid reasoning behind suing youtube.

If you've ever been to youtube you'll know it has well into the hundreds of millions of members worldwide. It would take an inconcievable amount of time to filter out every single video uploaded that actually violates Viacoms copywrite laws, not to mention how much money and time would go into constantly monitoring new uploads and new members for anything else that breaches the copywrites- (and I won't get into that if Viacom can accomplish their suit, other companies that will demand their content get pulled as well- increase the amount of manpower and time spent simply monitering for compywritten content infinitly) The amount of time and effort and money that would take to work like a well oiled machine would easily put even youtube out of business especially when coupled with a heavy lawsuit from a company like Viacom (which virtually OWNS all of comedy central)

Let me say one thing. I've downloaded my fair share of music illegally from *cough* services in my lifetime. In fact I'm listening to one of them now. But I still go out and buy the cd. I've done it for almost everything I have. I'd bet my balls it's the same for youtube. I can almost guarentee you that anyone who watches those small clips on youtube will be more than willing to go out and purchase the dvds when they go on sale. Also, anything that's been on youtube is something that has been shown on television already. You will never see one clip that is uploaded before its aired. Viacom is worried about losing ratings- they're worried about losing money-The good majority of their income is from ratings when the show is aired on television- do they think anyone will stop watching the show on tv? Are they really saying that their viewers would rather watch reruns than brand new material? Think about that. If it's true- not only do they have bigger problems than youtube, but even if youtube wasn't there, no one would be watching anyway because if that logic is followed the new shows must not be that great.

So as far as I can tell they're reasoning for demanding youtube be stripped of their content is pretty groundless. You may have noticed I didn't rant about the free speech thing. Well I think that's a little redundant. Sure freedome of speech ("expression") is the most wonderful gift we can have as a society and it keeps me out of guantanamo bay for posting things like this, but unfortunately I'm put in the very awkward position of hating hippies. And the freedome of speech thing is something a hippie would hapr about. I'd provide a graphic of a 'hippie harp' but I'm not going to be bothered at 12:30am.


Sunday, December 24, 2006

12 shitty games everyone Loves.

I know it's been a while. shut up. Now keeping with a nice december theme, I am going to list twelve games that everyone loves that I think would make better bombs to drop on Iraqi Insurgents.

Final Fantasy 1:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, This title features characters that through bumbling maps and losery enemies, stumble from pixlated map to pixleated map, fighting the same things over and over and over again. What's that? You just killed an enemy? Should I attack the empty space where that character was? I thinkin thinkin yes. And to top things off who's the final boss? Not a giant monstrous tentacled lesbian centaur but a lame tiny skeleton monster looking so tacky it might have come off the set of a Jeffrey Dhamer biography. Speaking of lame ass monsters, Pirates wearing tighty whities, big blue wizard rectum looking things and the almighty 'Eye'. yeah. An enemy called 'eye'. How fucking creative!! Adn the final monster Chaos, all powerful dealer of anarchy, destruction and or cards, has an impressive amount of hit points. 2000. Hmm.. I believe I hit for two thousand everytime I scrub my wang. NEXT!!

Final Fantasy 2:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint Final Fantasy 2 did what 1 couldn't. It had a story. Now instead of blindly stumbling into paraplegic villagers and spikes jutting out the walls of some ill designed dungeon of an ASCIII genius you now have some jerk who mubles some words and then you go off intoa world where enemies are STILL ATTACKED AFTER THEY DIE! Artificial Intelligence at it's best. After Chaos, I wonder if they managed to create a better name for the last enemy this ti-- EMPEROR. Very nice. might as well have called him Final Boss would have given us the same impact. I don't give a shit if the 'empire' is in turmoil because some douche has access to monsters and magic, I thought that was the very premice of the gameplay? guess what, you're the douche player one. NEXT!

Final Fantasy 3:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint This game featured absolutely NO DIALOGUE. I use that term loosely because nobody speaks Japanese anymore. Except for the Japanese- and they don't count.

Final Fantasy 4:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Wordpad I remember trying to play this game but I think I fell asleep. I guess they tried to make up for FF3's lack of dialogue by making this one into a novel. It's the rpg compliment of Metal gear Solid 2. Cutscene for about 20 minutes for every minute and a half of actual gameplay. Hey we're in the middle of a fight, let's break out into song! At least if they were just standing toe to toe at each end of the battlefield mindlessly swearing at eachother it might have been tolerant, but in the end this game carries as much lasting impression as a soggy tubesock. NEXT!

Final Fantasy 5:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the squaresoft workers, helplessly chained to their collective desk took a nice turn with the story of this one. Which is what I would say if it wasn't about the four crystals of Earth Fire Wind and Asshole, yet again! No way do those ever get old. And it seems square decided to take a collective shit on the plot of the game and are back with the ever creative naming of bosses. X-Death? Take the game out of the system and use it more effectively by bludgeoning a geriatric with it.

Final Fantasy 6:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this *ahem* 'Game' combines the seemingly endless amount of dialogue from 4 with the pretentiousness of 5. No more entertaining game value when you have such turnabouts as "the guy who seemed like he was going to be the villain all along is the villain after all" and the "Oh my goodness the world is burning, time to take a golden shower!" Was it just me or was every male character in this game the equivilant of a colonoscopy? No, I'm just kidding. All the characters were like that. After beating you over the head with the games premise, you finally get to kill the world and once you have three characters you can take your new found airship and fly it into the ocean killing yourself. Bonus points for taking out any large endangered sea mammals or fishermen in the process.

Final Fantasy 7:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint the game centres around some loser with spikey hair who looks like he was built out of the leftovers of my lego kit. Seriously, playskool and video games should NEVER cross paths. It would make the heavens crumble and I already see horsemen pissing on the firehydrants.Have you ever been outside in the dark walking through a very long empy hallway probably underneath a parking garage? Well the game is very much like this. Except at the end of the tunnel a truck falls through the roof killing you and anyone inside for being so stupid. Leave this shit at home, the dialogue alone is enough to make my vomit. Lifestream? Materia? how about eating my ass! I've never had a blood vessel pop during a cutscene, but I can say with no exxageration I was popping vessels at least twice per cutscene. And what the fuck is a cutscene? Are they that necessary? I thought the endless amount of dialogue was going to be aenough to guide my mushy brain through all the pixelated nightmarish scenery and Super Nes sound effects. Sephiroth puts the sex back in homoSEXual. NEXT

Final Fantasy 8:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this story features some new elements. Basically put, nobody can freaking do anything. You ever been to like... one of those fast food restaraunts and there's always the one guy who just kinda sits there with a line of drool down their face staring blankly in one direction and you're like "um... I don't think you should be hiring lobotomy patients"? Well Final Fantasy 8 is like a Mcdonalds, and unless you give each character a magical spirit called a GF or Guardian Force or as I like to call them Gwhat Fucker thought of this genius customization system, all your character will do is sit and stare at the enemy waiting for their iminent demise. Whcih would never come because all the enemies are just as special. Who's the evil demon monster ready to take the world by the balls and smack it upside the testes? None other than a sorceress named Edea... umm..Adel...Umm.. it... it's ok to have one villain who eventually is replaced by a much larger threat, but any more and your risking a fist to the junk. And FF8 had no less that 2000 potential villains. Honest.

Final Fantasy 9:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the ever so cartoony installment of the ever impressing Final Fantasy series delivers...what...everything I've seen before? Yeah that's right isn't it. You know I can't make this up, especially when the game case itself actually says quote "The best of the old mixed with the best of the new". you're basically admitting that you didn't try... good to see your priorities are strong as ever. What's the matter? Earth Fire Wind and Barbara Streisand couldn't come in today? Shit I forgot, they did come in. Again. As usual. Wits are still as sharp as the broad side of a barn. If it were made of butter.

Final Fantasy 10:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the final fantasy installment for PS2 actually comes in with some new material. They finally got rid of the shitty old crystals and crappy names for things... and the story isn't that bad and--oops we've hit a snag. Every character in this game is a fucking loser. I swear to god you could take out all of the dialogue and replace it with the characters just saying "this is my story" over and over and over and it would have made as much, or possibly more sense overall. None of the characters, especially the men, had any inkling of testosterone, so how surprisingly can it be when the whole game you go around in search of mystical testes, or 'spheres'. I have to admit one thing though, this game gets points from the major monster affluent throughout the game. Aptly named "Sin", it exists to do one thing : Kick ass. And it does despite being blown up, shot at, hacked to bits and ultimately having it's arms cut off and head removed. They should have just called it "FFX:SIN" The whole game would be one long movie of Sin ruining everyone's shit and punting babies like footballs into crazy old men. That would rule. Like me. I rule.

Final Fantasy 11:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this game is played entirely online. Imagin 10,000 douches all fighting the same cactuar. You get the picture.

Final Fantasy 12:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, Square decided to take a 180 turn on the already tired battle system and eliminate the whole turn based battle system. which is what I would be saying if they didn't leave the battle system the same as its always been save now you can redundantly run around like a headless chicken. And I guess the makers finally realized how easy the games were becoming and made every enemy almost unbeatable. I'm not lying when I say that the first boss in the game has over 50,000,000 hit points compared to your... 324 ish. Bound that with an unfinished tale of some douche who wants to go out and save the world for no real reason and never taps any friend/royal booty and you get yourself one hell of a sinker. Seriously, that princess has a skirt on that's literally less than one inch under her ass. In fact it's more like two loinclotch's sewn together than a skirt and you never ever get to see that royal honey pot. It's like having 19 dollars in the bank. It's there but you can never get at it. Like the entertainment value in all of these titles. it's always in there somewhere but you can never get at it.

So that's it, the shittiest 12 games that everyone loves. You notice I didn't mention Mario bros or that piece of donkey ass cake Yoshi's story. I feel it would be unfair to give them a higher standing than my "top 100 disks to send flying into some kid's gooch while he's in front of the class during a lame ass show and tell session." COming soon in HD!

The views expressed in this article DO NOT reflect those true to the Author, me. I really enjoy final fantasy Titles, everything I mentioned in the above is entirely fictional. With the exception of FF12 feeling 'unfinished'. Which to be truthfull.. it did. Too many loose ends and tight booty's left untouched. And Mario Bros will awsome be awesome. Except for Yoshi's Story, which DID suck ass. Chris Almighty for governor!!


Sunday, November 26, 2006

It's an Onion, Max

Chris is on a diet, diet, diet. Nothing but raw eggs and cups of vinegar. Look it up. For the next few weeks I will be giving up the wonderous carbs and..sugars.. that food has to offer and replace it with some hardcore fruits and vegetables, and again, raw eggs. Protein, beeyatch! why am I doing this after so many years of being the 'for every animal you dont eat I'll eat three' type? For a freaking woman. ok? Yeah a woman. The hell do you want from me. Honestly I come on your cheap ass show and pour my heart out and... I've just been informed that ANDERXPLUS SEQUEL TO VS THE FREE WORLD, or NAMBLA, is in fact, MY website. In that case I will humbly withdraw my previous statement and substitute this one: Because it's worth it.
Ah the things I do for love. Err.. lust. As bad as it sounds it's not like I'm trying to write a good poem here know what I'm saying? If you want to become a learned reader you don't go out and buy a stack of Pancakes, am I right?
BTW Anyone who says that a book, consisting of the word "bug" written on a waffle in syrup is too long for a book, needs a foot up their ass. Props to whoever can name that reference.
So yeah, I finally got around to the old Onionmax number 5. Originally it was going to be about the election using a classic picture. But I didn't really like that idea. However I still love the picture, it's still a classic. so as I go, I shall reintroduce:

Until the End...