Sunday, December 24, 2006

12 shitty games everyone Loves.

I know it's been a while. shut up. Now keeping with a nice december theme, I am going to list twelve games that everyone loves that I think would make better bombs to drop on Iraqi Insurgents.

Final Fantasy 1:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, This title features characters that through bumbling maps and losery enemies, stumble from pixlated map to pixleated map, fighting the same things over and over and over again. What's that? You just killed an enemy? Should I attack the empty space where that character was? I thinkin thinkin yes. And to top things off who's the final boss? Not a giant monstrous tentacled lesbian centaur but a lame tiny skeleton monster looking so tacky it might have come off the set of a Jeffrey Dhamer biography. Speaking of lame ass monsters, Pirates wearing tighty whities, big blue wizard rectum looking things and the almighty 'Eye'. yeah. An enemy called 'eye'. How fucking creative!! Adn the final monster Chaos, all powerful dealer of anarchy, destruction and or cards, has an impressive amount of hit points. 2000. Hmm.. I believe I hit for two thousand everytime I scrub my wang. NEXT!!

Final Fantasy 2:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint Final Fantasy 2 did what 1 couldn't. It had a story. Now instead of blindly stumbling into paraplegic villagers and spikes jutting out the walls of some ill designed dungeon of an ASCIII genius you now have some jerk who mubles some words and then you go off intoa world where enemies are STILL ATTACKED AFTER THEY DIE! Artificial Intelligence at it's best. After Chaos, I wonder if they managed to create a better name for the last enemy this ti-- EMPEROR. Very nice. might as well have called him Final Boss would have given us the same impact. I don't give a shit if the 'empire' is in turmoil because some douche has access to monsters and magic, I thought that was the very premice of the gameplay? guess what, you're the douche player one. NEXT!

Final Fantasy 3:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint This game featured absolutely NO DIALOGUE. I use that term loosely because nobody speaks Japanese anymore. Except for the Japanese- and they don't count.

Final Fantasy 4:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Wordpad I remember trying to play this game but I think I fell asleep. I guess they tried to make up for FF3's lack of dialogue by making this one into a novel. It's the rpg compliment of Metal gear Solid 2. Cutscene for about 20 minutes for every minute and a half of actual gameplay. Hey we're in the middle of a fight, let's break out into song! At least if they were just standing toe to toe at each end of the battlefield mindlessly swearing at eachother it might have been tolerant, but in the end this game carries as much lasting impression as a soggy tubesock. NEXT!

Final Fantasy 5:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the squaresoft workers, helplessly chained to their collective desk took a nice turn with the story of this one. Which is what I would say if it wasn't about the four crystals of Earth Fire Wind and Asshole, yet again! No way do those ever get old. And it seems square decided to take a collective shit on the plot of the game and are back with the ever creative naming of bosses. X-Death? Take the game out of the system and use it more effectively by bludgeoning a geriatric with it.

Final Fantasy 6:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this *ahem* 'Game' combines the seemingly endless amount of dialogue from 4 with the pretentiousness of 5. No more entertaining game value when you have such turnabouts as "the guy who seemed like he was going to be the villain all along is the villain after all" and the "Oh my goodness the world is burning, time to take a golden shower!" Was it just me or was every male character in this game the equivilant of a colonoscopy? No, I'm just kidding. All the characters were like that. After beating you over the head with the games premise, you finally get to kill the world and once you have three characters you can take your new found airship and fly it into the ocean killing yourself. Bonus points for taking out any large endangered sea mammals or fishermen in the process.

Final Fantasy 7:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint the game centres around some loser with spikey hair who looks like he was built out of the leftovers of my lego kit. Seriously, playskool and video games should NEVER cross paths. It would make the heavens crumble and I already see horsemen pissing on the firehydrants.Have you ever been outside in the dark walking through a very long empy hallway probably underneath a parking garage? Well the game is very much like this. Except at the end of the tunnel a truck falls through the roof killing you and anyone inside for being so stupid. Leave this shit at home, the dialogue alone is enough to make my vomit. Lifestream? Materia? how about eating my ass! I've never had a blood vessel pop during a cutscene, but I can say with no exxageration I was popping vessels at least twice per cutscene. And what the fuck is a cutscene? Are they that necessary? I thought the endless amount of dialogue was going to be aenough to guide my mushy brain through all the pixelated nightmarish scenery and Super Nes sound effects. Sephiroth puts the sex back in homoSEXual. NEXT

Final Fantasy 8:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this story features some new elements. Basically put, nobody can freaking do anything. You ever been to like... one of those fast food restaraunts and there's always the one guy who just kinda sits there with a line of drool down their face staring blankly in one direction and you're like "um... I don't think you should be hiring lobotomy patients"? Well Final Fantasy 8 is like a Mcdonalds, and unless you give each character a magical spirit called a GF or Guardian Force or as I like to call them Gwhat Fucker thought of this genius customization system, all your character will do is sit and stare at the enemy waiting for their iminent demise. Whcih would never come because all the enemies are just as special. Who's the evil demon monster ready to take the world by the balls and smack it upside the testes? None other than a sorceress named Edea... umm..Adel...Umm.. it... it's ok to have one villain who eventually is replaced by a much larger threat, but any more and your risking a fist to the junk. And FF8 had no less that 2000 potential villains. Honest.

Final Fantasy 9:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the ever so cartoony installment of the ever impressing Final Fantasy series delivers...what...everything I've seen before? Yeah that's right isn't it. You know I can't make this up, especially when the game case itself actually says quote "The best of the old mixed with the best of the new". you're basically admitting that you didn't try... good to see your priorities are strong as ever. What's the matter? Earth Fire Wind and Barbara Streisand couldn't come in today? Shit I forgot, they did come in. Again. As usual. Wits are still as sharp as the broad side of a barn. If it were made of butter.

Final Fantasy 10:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the final fantasy installment for PS2 actually comes in with some new material. They finally got rid of the shitty old crystals and crappy names for things... and the story isn't that bad and--oops we've hit a snag. Every character in this game is a fucking loser. I swear to god you could take out all of the dialogue and replace it with the characters just saying "this is my story" over and over and over and it would have made as much, or possibly more sense overall. None of the characters, especially the men, had any inkling of testosterone, so how surprisingly can it be when the whole game you go around in search of mystical testes, or 'spheres'. I have to admit one thing though, this game gets points from the major monster affluent throughout the game. Aptly named "Sin", it exists to do one thing : Kick ass. And it does despite being blown up, shot at, hacked to bits and ultimately having it's arms cut off and head removed. They should have just called it "FFX:SIN" The whole game would be one long movie of Sin ruining everyone's shit and punting babies like footballs into crazy old men. That would rule. Like me. I rule.

Final Fantasy 11:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this game is played entirely online. Imagin 10,000 douches all fighting the same cactuar. You get the picture.

Final Fantasy 12:

Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, Square decided to take a 180 turn on the already tired battle system and eliminate the whole turn based battle system. which is what I would be saying if they didn't leave the battle system the same as its always been save now you can redundantly run around like a headless chicken. And I guess the makers finally realized how easy the games were becoming and made every enemy almost unbeatable. I'm not lying when I say that the first boss in the game has over 50,000,000 hit points compared to your... 324 ish. Bound that with an unfinished tale of some douche who wants to go out and save the world for no real reason and never taps any friend/royal booty and you get yourself one hell of a sinker. Seriously, that princess has a skirt on that's literally less than one inch under her ass. In fact it's more like two loinclotch's sewn together than a skirt and you never ever get to see that royal honey pot. It's like having 19 dollars in the bank. It's there but you can never get at it. Like the entertainment value in all of these titles. it's always in there somewhere but you can never get at it.

So that's it, the shittiest 12 games that everyone loves. You notice I didn't mention Mario bros or that piece of donkey ass cake Yoshi's story. I feel it would be unfair to give them a higher standing than my "top 100 disks to send flying into some kid's gooch while he's in front of the class during a lame ass show and tell session." COming soon in HD!

The views expressed in this article DO NOT reflect those true to the Author, me. I really enjoy final fantasy Titles, everything I mentioned in the above is entirely fictional. With the exception of FF12 feeling 'unfinished'. Which to be truthfull.. it did. Too many loose ends and tight booty's left untouched. And Mario Bros will awsome be awesome. Except for Yoshi's Story, which DID suck ass. Chris Almighty for governor!!