Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, November 01, 2007
A humble review of Resident Evil Extinction
I'd warn of spoilers but if you've ever spoken to me about what I think this movie is going to be about before it hit theatres, you already know the storyline. I was bang on. But nonetheless, here be spoilers. OoooOOooooOOooh. oh btw happy hallowe'en, before I forget.
From day one of the resident evil project we have seen Paul Anderson show a complete disregard for anything resembling resident evil-nay-anything resembling a storyline, in so far as to say a storyline put together by a drunk who had written most of it in a foreign space language he made up that was inspired by the texture of his own fecal matter would have made a better screenplay- Neglecting characters, entire plotlines, simple logic, inserting his own plotlines and rediculous rhetoric and basically making a mochery of everything Shinji Mikami has created. Insulting, even, to the intelligence of its viewers- even those not versed in RE lore. Now you may be saying "BUT CHRIS It's just a movie, movie versions usually suck!!!11"
thats what I meant.
As there are clones you get to watch a couple of them die. I radically approve and encourage the continued scenes of Mila Jovovich getting killed. Nothing personal mila.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
They want me to go to rehab I say no no no
Jesus H waffles! On comedy network now they have segments, full commercials, of parts of some new web show. 'Owl and the man' or something like that. Now the original commercial for it was the 'man' (again alledgedly) ranting about how he wanted them (CN) to make a show about an owl and a man, well apparently they went ahead and did it. fortunately it's on the web exclusively. Unfortunately they have these 2 minute commercials showing the show in all it's fat guy singing poorly glorly-er glory. I mean seriously "Owwwwwwwwl and a maaaaaaaaaan it's about an owwwwwwwwwwllll and a maaaaaaaaann... you caaaaaaaaaan't sleeeeeeeeeeep and I can't siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" URgggh! thank god he's not on my radio in the morning.
Reminds me of this time I woke up to steven tyler singing one song... I forget what it's called but it's the one that goes "crrrrrrrrryyyyyyying when I met you now I'm dddddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyinnnnnn to forget you". A million decibles at 6 in the morning. yeah, thats an instant headache. and it lasts.
ever notice how much maroon 5 sucks?
Man I found out recently that not only is tony jay awesome, a featured voice in a fantastic game "the bard's tale" (ps2/Xbox/pc), the voice of mutherfucking megabyte in reboot, but he's also the driving reason behind why Reboot will never have anymore new episodes (barring a remake) He's dead! recently. I don't mean like..he's been dead for a while and acting from beyond the grave, which pirates and lumberjacks and emperors alike would have deemed as awesome.
Cary Elwes is also the main character in bards tale. Now that is soemthing else. especially sicne when he dies he sometimes will say "Inconcievable" before croaking. Fans of Princess Bride unite!
I've gotten back into watching strangers with candy, if you've never seen it I very highly recommend it.
TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD WATCH STRANGERS WITH CANDY:
10. Amy sedaris/ Paul Dinello/ Greg Hollimon
9. Stephen Colbert
8.Stephen Colbert
7.Stephen Colbert
6.Stephen Colbert
5.Stephen Colbert
4.Stephen Colbert
3.Stephen Colbert
2.Stephen Colbert
1. I'll hurt you.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I did it!!
Just a small alert to say that I now have another job. My old job can eat me. Not to name names. let's just call them... HBC Kellers. No too obvious, how about CBC Zellers. Ok. Whoopie!
yeah..that's all I got
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Wow..didn't think it had been THAT long..
Holy shit it's almost the end of march already!
I actually wouldn't be updating now except something caught my eye whilst watching the Colbert Report tonight on comedy network. Particularly awe-stricken to me was the interview where Stephen Colbert was caught in a heated debate with John Perry Barlow, Electronic Frontier Foundation's main..law..making..guy... Essentially this man is part of the company EFF which is countersuing Viacom (Colbert Report's parent/host company) who is suing Youtube for not taking down those wonderful clips of daily show and colbert report we all know and love.
Viacom wants all their videos pulled because it is content that belongs to Viacom that is being distributed-whether you like it or not-illegally. EFF is in turn suing Viacom for breaching some form of the first ammendment on the internet. Personally, I'm guessing it's because the internet is so massive that it shouldn't be, essentially, privatized and should remain a completely open air for ideas.
Interestingly enough I actually have to side with the EFF on this one. And I hate to say that because of this:
1.EFF sues Viacom
2.Viacom goes out of business
3.Goodbye Daily Show and Colbert Report
But despite the potential loss of my heroes of television, here's why I side with EFF:
Viacom has no solid reasoning behind suing youtube.
If you've ever been to youtube you'll know it has well into the hundreds of millions of members worldwide. It would take an inconcievable amount of time to filter out every single video uploaded that actually violates Viacoms copywrite laws, not to mention how much money and time would go into constantly monitoring new uploads and new members for anything else that breaches the copywrites- (and I won't get into that if Viacom can accomplish their suit, other companies that will demand their content get pulled as well- increase the amount of manpower and time spent simply monitering for compywritten content infinitly) The amount of time and effort and money that would take to work like a well oiled machine would easily put even youtube out of business especially when coupled with a heavy lawsuit from a company like Viacom (which virtually OWNS all of comedy central)
Let me say one thing. I've downloaded my fair share of music illegally from *cough* services in my lifetime. In fact I'm listening to one of them now. But I still go out and buy the cd. I've done it for almost everything I have. I'd bet my balls it's the same for youtube. I can almost guarentee you that anyone who watches those small clips on youtube will be more than willing to go out and purchase the dvds when they go on sale. Also, anything that's been on youtube is something that has been shown on television already. You will never see one clip that is uploaded before its aired. Viacom is worried about losing ratings- they're worried about losing money-The good majority of their income is from ratings when the show is aired on television- do they think anyone will stop watching the show on tv? Are they really saying that their viewers would rather watch reruns than brand new material? Think about that. If it's true- not only do they have bigger problems than youtube, but even if youtube wasn't there, no one would be watching anyway because if that logic is followed the new shows must not be that great.
So as far as I can tell they're reasoning for demanding youtube be stripped of their content is pretty groundless. You may have noticed I didn't rant about the free speech thing. Well I think that's a little redundant. Sure freedome of speech ("expression") is the most wonderful gift we can have as a society and it keeps me out of guantanamo bay for posting things like this, but unfortunately I'm put in the very awkward position of hating hippies. And the freedome of speech thing is something a hippie would hapr about. I'd provide a graphic of a 'hippie harp' but I'm not going to be bothered at 12:30am.
night
Sunday, December 24, 2006
12 shitty games everyone Loves.
I know it's been a while. shut up. Now keeping with a nice december theme, I am going to list twelve games that everyone loves that I think would make better bombs to drop on Iraqi Insurgents.
Final Fantasy 1:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, This title features characters that through bumbling maps and losery enemies, stumble from pixlated map to pixleated map, fighting the same things over and over and over again. What's that? You just killed an enemy? Should I attack the empty space where that character was? I thinkin thinkin yes. And to top things off who's the final boss? Not a giant monstrous tentacled lesbian centaur but a lame tiny skeleton monster looking so tacky it might have come off the set of a Jeffrey Dhamer biography. Speaking of lame ass monsters, Pirates wearing tighty whities, big blue wizard rectum looking things and the almighty 'Eye'. yeah. An enemy called 'eye'. How fucking creative!! Adn the final monster Chaos, all powerful dealer of anarchy, destruction and or cards, has an impressive amount of hit points. 2000. Hmm.. I believe I hit for two thousand everytime I scrub my wang. NEXT!!
Final Fantasy 2:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint Final Fantasy 2 did what 1 couldn't. It had a story. Now instead of blindly stumbling into paraplegic villagers and spikes jutting out the walls of some ill designed dungeon of an ASCIII genius you now have some jerk who mubles some words and then you go off intoa world where enemies are STILL ATTACKED AFTER THEY DIE! Artificial Intelligence at it's best. After Chaos, I wonder if they managed to create a better name for the last enemy this ti-- EMPEROR. Very nice. Very...um...descriptive.. might as well have called him Final Boss would have given us the same impact. I don't give a shit if the 'empire' is in turmoil because some douche has access to monsters and magic, I thought that was the very premice of the gameplay? guess what, you're the douche player one. NEXT!
Final Fantasy 3:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint This game featured absolutely NO DIALOGUE. I use that term loosely because nobody speaks Japanese anymore. Except for the Japanese- and they don't count.
Final Fantasy 4:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Wordpad I remember trying to play this game but I think I fell asleep. I guess they tried to make up for FF3's lack of dialogue by making this one into a novel. It's the rpg compliment of Metal gear Solid 2. Cutscene for about 20 minutes for every minute and a half of actual gameplay. Hey we're in the middle of a fight, let's break out into song! At least if they were just standing toe to toe at each end of the battlefield mindlessly swearing at eachother it might have been tolerant, but in the end this game carries as much lasting impression as a soggy tubesock. NEXT!
Final Fantasy 5:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the squaresoft workers, helplessly chained to their collective desk took a nice turn with the story of this one. Which is what I would say if it wasn't about the four crystals of Earth Fire Wind and Asshole, yet again! No way do those ever get old. And it seems square decided to take a collective shit on the plot of the game and are back with the ever creative naming of bosses. X-Death? Take the game out of the system and use it more effectively by bludgeoning a geriatric with it.
Final Fantasy 6:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this *ahem* 'Game' combines the seemingly endless amount of dialogue from 4 with the pretentiousness of 5. No more entertaining game value when you have such turnabouts as "the guy who seemed like he was going to be the villain all along is the villain after all" and the "Oh my goodness the world is burning, time to take a golden shower!" Was it just me or was every male character in this game the equivilant of a colonoscopy? No, I'm just kidding. All the characters were like that. After beating you over the head with the games premise, you finally get to kill the world and once you have three characters you can take your new found airship and fly it into the ocean killing yourself. Bonus points for taking out any large endangered sea mammals or fishermen in the process.
Final Fantasy 7:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint the game centres around some loser with spikey hair who looks like he was built out of the leftovers of my lego kit. Seriously, playskool and video games should NEVER cross paths. It would make the heavens crumble and I already see horsemen pissing on the firehydrants.Have you ever been outside in the dark walking through a very long empy hallway probably underneath a parking garage? Well the game is very much like this. Except at the end of the tunnel a truck falls through the roof killing you and anyone inside for being so stupid. Leave this shit at home, the dialogue alone is enough to make my vomit. Lifestream? Materia? how about eating my ass! I've never had a blood vessel pop during a cutscene, but I can say with no exxageration I was popping vessels at least twice per cutscene. And what the fuck is a cutscene? Are they that necessary? I thought the endless amount of dialogue was going to be aenough to guide my mushy brain through all the pixelated nightmarish scenery and Super Nes sound effects. Sephiroth puts the sex back in homoSEXual. NEXT
Final Fantasy 8:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this story features some new elements. Basically put, nobody can freaking do anything. You ever been to like... one of those fast food restaraunts and there's always the one guy who just kinda sits there with a line of drool down their face staring blankly in one direction and you're like "um... I don't think you should be hiring lobotomy patients"? Well Final Fantasy 8 is like a Mcdonalds, and unless you give each character a magical spirit called a GF or Guardian Force or as I like to call them Gwhat Fucker thought of this genius customization system, all your character will do is sit and stare at the enemy waiting for their iminent demise. Whcih would never come because all the enemies are just as special. Who's the evil demon monster ready to take the world by the balls and smack it upside the testes? None other than a sorceress named Edea... umm..Adel...Umm.. Ultimecia...no...Forget it... it's ok to have one villain who eventually is replaced by a much larger threat, but any more and your risking a fist to the junk. And FF8 had no less that 2000 potential villains. Honest.
Final Fantasy 9:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the ever so cartoony installment of the ever impressing Final Fantasy series delivers...what...everything I've seen before? Yeah that's right isn't it. You know I can't make this up, especially when the game case itself actually says quote "The best of the old mixed with the best of the new". Oh..so you're basically admitting that you didn't try... good to see your priorities are strong as ever. What's the matter? Earth Fire Wind and Barbara Streisand couldn't come in today? Shit I forgot, they did come in. Again. As usual. Wits are still as sharp as the broad side of a barn. If it were made of butter.
Final Fantasy 10:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, the final fantasy installment for PS2 actually comes in with some new material. They finally got rid of the shitty old crystals and crappy names for things... and the story isn't that bad and--oops we've hit a snag. Every character in this game is a fucking loser. I swear to god you could take out all of the dialogue and replace it with the characters just saying "this is my story" over and over and over and it would have made as much, or possibly more sense overall. None of the characters, especially the men, had any inkling of testosterone, so how surprisingly can it be when the whole game you go around in search of mystical testes, or 'spheres'. I have to admit one thing though, this game gets points from the major monster affluent throughout the game. Aptly named "Sin", it exists to do one thing : Kick ass. And it does despite being blown up, shot at, hacked to bits and ultimately having it's arms cut off and head removed. They should have just called it "FFX:SIN" The whole game would be one long movie of Sin ruining everyone's shit and punting babies like footballs into crazy old men. That would rule. Like me. I rule.
Final Fantasy 11:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, this game is played entirely online. Imagin 10,000 douches all fighting the same cactuar. You get the picture.
Final Fantasy 12:
Aside from characters that look they were made with MS Paint, Square decided to take a 180 turn on the already tired battle system and eliminate the whole turn based battle system. which is what I would be saying if they didn't leave the battle system the same as its always been save now you can redundantly run around like a headless chicken. And I guess the makers finally realized how easy the games were becoming and made every enemy almost unbeatable. I'm not lying when I say that the first boss in the game has over 50,000,000 hit points compared to your... 324 ish. Bound that with an unfinished tale of some douche who wants to go out and save the world for no real reason and never taps any friend/royal booty and you get yourself one hell of a sinker. Seriously, that princess has a skirt on that's literally less than one inch under her ass. In fact it's more like two loinclotch's sewn together than a skirt and you never ever get to see that royal honey pot. It's like having 19 dollars in the bank. It's there but you can never get at it. Like the entertainment value in all of these titles. it's always in there somewhere but you can never get at it.
So that's it, the shittiest 12 games that everyone loves. You notice I didn't mention Mario bros or that piece of donkey ass cake Yoshi's story. I feel it would be unfair to give them a higher standing than my "top 100 disks to send flying into some kid's gooch while he's in front of the class during a lame ass show and tell session." COming soon in HD!
The views expressed in this article DO NOT reflect those true to the Author, me. I really enjoy final fantasy Titles, everything I mentioned in the above is entirely fictional. With the exception of FF12 feeling 'unfinished'. Which to be truthfull.. it did. Too many loose ends and tight booty's left untouched. And Mario Bros will awsome be awesome. Except for Yoshi's Story, which DID suck ass. Chris Almighty for governor!!
Labels: rants
Sunday, November 26, 2006
It's an Onion, Max
Labels: Oniomax